A man walks into a pet store to buy a Christmas gift. The clerk shows him "Chet"
the Parrot, which sings Christmas songs.
The man asks "How do you get
Chet to sing?" And the clerk takes out a match, lights it and holds it under
Chet's right foot. The bird lifts his right foot up, squawks and begins to sing,
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way... "
The man asks
if he knows anything else and the clerk holds the match under the bird's left foot.
The bird pipes in with, "On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
caw..."
The clerk leaves the man alone with Chet and he lights a match
and holds it between the bird's legs and the bird begins to squawk
"Chet's
nuts roasting on an open fire..."
From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according
to the Wall Street Journal:
A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a
particularly colorful bird and asked its price.
"Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied.
"Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?"
"Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is
brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the
reply. "With the European Community's unicifation due in 1992, he'll
be a great asset."
"I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said.
"What about that gray one in that other cage?"
The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke
Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese -- "the
languages of the 21st century."
"I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot
lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in
the corner?"
The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds.
"Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does
he do to worth that?"
"We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two
call him chairman."
Liz Day
LDAY@indy.net
Once there was a man who thought that his wife was cheating
on him. So he went to a pet shop to see if he could get a
talking parrot to help him find out if in fact his wife was
cheating on him. So he arRived at the pet shop and the only
parrot they had left only had one leg. He asked the owner
what to do if he wanted the parrot to stand up. To which
the owner replied just tie his dick around the post of the
perch. So the man bought the bird and went home. He did as
the owner suggested and went to work. When he came home he
asked the parrot what happed? The parrot said, well after
you went your wife brought the mail man in and they started
to take of their clothes. And then??!! The man insisted.
Well I don't know. Why he asked? The parrot then said,
'cause when they took off their clothes I popped a woody
and fell off my perch!
A preacher once had a pet parrot (stop me if you have heard this).
He took him to church every Sunday and the bird would help lead choir
practice. The Parrot was a model pet most of the time, but he had some
serious problems on the side.
You see, he liked to fuck chickens. The preacher kept telling him to
stop it or he would shave the bird's head. Well the parrot didn't listen
and after several warnings the preacher got out the clippers and shaved
the parrots heads.
That Sunday in church, it was business as usual, the preacher was
dividing the church members up for choir practice.
"All you ladies, come over here," said the preacher, "and all you
gentlemen, please stand over there."
About this time, a bald man walked by in front of the bird, to which
the parrot said, "And all you chicken fuckers over here beside me!"
ElaineJordaan
emjord@fishnet.net
A fellow once had a parrot that was an amazing talker. He claimed you could
hold intelligent conversations with it, and that it could solve complex math
problems.
One day a lady called to ask if she could breed her parrot to the amazing
parrot, to see if she could get some amazing babies.
"Only if he likes her," said the man.
So the lady brought her parrot to the amazing parrot, who took one look at
those green feathers and said, "Hey, baby, can I buy you a bag of seeds?"
The man agreed to the mating and charged a $50 stud fee. The two birds
seemed to be hitting it off rather well, so the man said, "Let's give them
some privacy," and left the parrots alone in the bedroom.
After only a minute or two there came a horrendous screeching from the
bedroom. The man and the lady rushed in to see the amazing parrot pinning
the female parrot down, and plucking her feathers out, all the while
shouting,
"For fifty bucks, I want you NAKED, NAKED, NAKED!"
Elaine Jordaan
emjord@fishnet.net
A guy walks into a pet store looking to buy a talking bird. He sees a bird
in a cage and yells to the bird, "Hey, can you speak Stupid?"
And the bird replies, "Yes, can you fly Dummy?"
Maryanne
pta113@falls.net
A guy walks into a hardware store, and asks the assistant for a
pint of canary-colored paint. The assistant tints up the paint, etc., and,
while
handing it over, asks why the guy wants it.
"Oh," he says, "to paint my parakeet."
"Your PARAKEET?"
"Yeah, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweet
he's sure to win."
"PAINT your PARAKEET?" The assistant is shocked. "That'll kill him!"
"Bull!"
"No, it will! The paint'll get up his nostrils and set!"
"Crap!"
"Serious! Look, I bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to
paint him!"
"You're on," and the guy takes his paint and leaves.
Sure enough, two days later, he's back, very sheepish, and puts ten
dollars on the counter.
"So, your painting killed him?" asks the assistant.
"Dunno," says the guy. "He didn't survive the sanding down."
Maryanne
pta113@falls.net
Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing
a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive
talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her
entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior
to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw
and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled
on a perch at her home he looked around and said:
"Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!"
Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school.
Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:
"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!"
Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him
the bird squawked:
"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!"
John Sielke
jsielke@algorithms.com
Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you. "As silence returned to the
house, he crept shakily forward. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically he
looked all around. In a dark corner he spotted a birdcage. In the cage was a
parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the bird. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief. Making casual
conversation, he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the
bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?" The parrot said, "the same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Debbie McCormick
Flyer@Prostar.com
There was a priest who owned a talking parrot. One day he was away from
home, and a coal-vendor came by the house. He knocked on the door a few
times, and the parrot finally called out "HELLO?" The coal-vendor,
thinking it was a human, asked "Do you want to buy some coal?" to which
the parrot replied "GIVE ME A DOZEN! GIVE ME A DOZEN!"
Well, the priest came home and found out that he had to pay for a
dozen sacks of coal which the parrot 'bought'. He was very angry with
the bird, and for punishment, he took the bird to the living room, spread
out his wings and nailed him to the wall.
The parrot hung there alone, upset and swearing to itself. Then
it looked across the wall and noticed the priest's large crucifix. The
parrot looked the figure straight in the eye and said "Oh, so you bought
coal too!"
Cynthia Smith
cynthias@ifi.uio.no
As a man is walking down a city street, a shady-looking character calls out to
him from a dark alley "Pssst! Hey you! Come over here; I've got something to
show you." As he walked over to satisfy his curiosity, the suspicious man from
the alley lifts the cover off a container he is holding, revealing a large
colorful parrot in a cage.
The pedestrian then asks "So, what's the big deal? Every pet store has a
couple of birds." The alley man replies "This is a SPECIAL bird; he can sing
'I Left My Heart in San Francisco' in seven languages. I'll prove it...Polly,
sing it in German." The parrot sings it in perfect German. He then instructs
the bird to sing it in six other languages, including English. Each time, the
bird sings it perfectly.
At this point, the pedestrian was quite impressed, and asked the alley man how
much? The alley man responded "How much have you got?" After taking an
inventory of his wallet and pockets, he replied "All I've got on me is $62.18."
The man in the alley responded "By some amazing coincidence, that is exactly
the price of the bird."
After purchasing the parrot, the man went to the nearest cash machine, and
withdrew a couple of hundred dollars. Seeing the opportunity to make some
quick money, he went to the pub where all his friends hang out, and announced
that his parrot can sing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco' in seven different
languages. When his friends didn't believe him, he challenged them to put
their money where their mouths were. After all the bets were placed, he turned
to his parrot, and said "OK Polly, how about singing it in French to start off
with?" The parrot was silent.
Anxious, the man said "He is probably just nervous in front of crowds; how
about Spanish? German? English?..." Each time his bird remained silent.
When the laughter and remarks from his friends subsided, he paid them all off,
and walked out of the bar - quite embarrassed.
Unable to contain his anger any longer, he reached into the cage, and grabbed
the bird, yelling "Why didn't you do your thing??!!"
The bird responded "LOOK, STUPID!!! Think of the odds you'll get tomorrow!"
Alan Winkler
(From "THE HARMONET," the barbershopper's newsgroup)
A Yale English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor
that the parrot he purchased used improper language.
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never know that bird to
swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard
him split an infinitive."
(rec.humor, Melanie Aultman)
Interesting story I heard:
A man walked into a bar with a large parrot on his shoulder. The bird
looked up at the bartender and said, " Give me and me frien' a shot of
bourbon straight up.". The bartender looked at him and said, "I don't take
no orders from dumb birds!" . The bird replied, "Lookie here, don't gives me
no hard time. I'm workin' on me ventriloquism act." The barkeep looked at
the man and then served the drinks.
This happened 3 more times, each time the barkeep served them. On the next
time he looked straight at the man and said "That does it, Mac! If you wanna
drink, YOU got to say something !" At this point the bird looked up and said
"I told you I was workin' on me act. I didn't say I was good."
The moral of this story is NEVER assume ANYTHING.
Bill Todaro
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit
my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you
had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword
fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I
feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you
were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some parrots were flying over the ship. I
looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just
from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Submitted by Laura Brown
In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
reporting the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is an air
cannon that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately
the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems that
British Rail was very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on
a brand new, ultra high speed locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine cab. The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA to review
the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Try thawing the chicken next time."
Submitted by Laura Brown
A sea captain died bequeathing his long-time companion male parrot to
his spinster sister. His sister wanted to respect her late brother's
wishes but had a real problem with the parrot's swearing like a
sailor. She lamented to her best friend about how her sewing circle
had been mortified by the crude language to which they were certainly
not accustomed and that she feared she would have to give up the bird.
Her friend suggested that she knew of a minister in the next town who
owned a very pious parrot (female) who prayed all day long who might
be able to do a little missionary conversion. So they drove to the
next town to visit, hoping that a miracle could be wrought.
Upon introducing the two parrots, the male looked the female up and
down, bobbed his head and said, "arrk, wanna fuck?". The female
replied sweetly, "what do you think I've been praying for big boy?"
Submitted by Steve Herbst
A fellow wanted to buy his widowed mother a very special gift which
would be a comfort to her in her loneliness. So, he found a parrot to
keep her company which could speak 7 languages and had the bird
delivered to her home as a surprise. The next day he called his mother
to find out how she liked her present. Mom replied, "it was
delicious". The horrified son said, "Mom, you ate a very special
parrot which cost me $15,000 because he could speak 7 languages!" Mom
replied, "so why didn't he say something?"
Submitted by Steve Herbst
man bought a parrot from a small pet store down the street from
his house. He was quite disappointed because it wouldn't speak, so he
went to the store to complain.
The clerk suggested that the bird's beak might be too long and
instructed the man to file it down some. He went home and did what the
clerk said.
The man retuned to the store the next day and said to the clerk,
"Thanks for the advice, now my bird is dead."
The clerk said, "Oh no, you must have filed his beak too close so
he couldn't eat and he starved to death, right?"
"I don't know about that," said the man, "his head never made it
out of the vice!"
Steve Kahn
jrkahn@usit,net
